1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is it penis luge time yet?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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