you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize