I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
