just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
