Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
