i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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