This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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