I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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