Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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