happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
