Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize