My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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