Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize