arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
