I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
