I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
