You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
