i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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