I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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