once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
