This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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