im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You left your underwear on the fireplace
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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