matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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