Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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