I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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