4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
