while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize