textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
