apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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