So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
