I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
