Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
