Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
