Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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