he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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