It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
