I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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