it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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