i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How does one acquire holy water?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
