whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
