I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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