I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
