Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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