I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
