The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize