i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
