I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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