I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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