She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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