hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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