new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
