Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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