she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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