This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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