my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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