so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
