Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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