Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
