then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
