Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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