apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
