my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
