and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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